Hey Lovely,
Marriage is a Ministry. Ministry to each other and to others. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it brings the sweetest results once you put in the work. Many of us would have entered marriage with rose-colored glasses, conceiving many plans which suit life in an ideal reality. However, after we have been carried over the threshold, there are some things that we wished someone would have mentioned so that we would enter with our eyes wide open.
This is a compilation that I’ve made after an informal survey of several married persons who have been in the game for a longer time than I have been. Although you’ll find some of these to be humorous, it’s real, and it’s life. Let’s get started:
1. The way you do chores
*side eye* It only became evident that everyone is taught differently concerning chores, e.g., how to actually clean the kitchen. Some learned that the kitchen is clean only when the dishes are washed and packed away (in a particular order), counters and cupboard doors are wiped, the stove is gleaming, and floors are swept, mopped, and shining. DAILY. On the other hand, others were taught that cleaning the kitchen was washing the dishes. *insert blank stare here*
This definitely needs to be discussed when considering what constitutes the kitchen being “clean .”This will also apply to wiping bathroom counters, faucets, and basins after use and avoiding toothpaste splash on the mirror. Yes, that is actually a thing. Whatever you choose, make sure that each party is on the same page. It’s a good idea to have a conversation about how you’d like to keep your home tidy and the tiny steps that can be taken to get there.
For couples with multiple young children, you will need to educate us on cleaning and tidiness routines when living with tiny tots in the discovery stage. Please share in the comment section.
2. There’s no right or wrong way to do things.
This is actually a perk. When you are free from the home rules and culture of your parental household, you can take a principled approach and do things your way, together. You will discover there is no right or wrong way to do something. You form your own norms and work within them. The thing about it is that every marriage is different. Because we are separate individuals, each couple will do things in the best way for them. Therefore, take each other by the hand, and find that comfortable place TOGETHER. Your roles will normalize as you learn from each other and compromise where necessary.
3. Give things time
Mom always said that the first year of marriage is the hardest. This is where you learn at least 50% of the things you didn’t already know. You WILL be disappointed when your expectations are not met in some areas of your lives. Conversely, you get many beautiful surprises, too, especially when the goal is to make the other happy.
Disappointments are a necessary part of life; they help us grow as individuals. Everything is only sometimes going to be perfect. Suppose you are willing to work through those moments that are not ideal, accept life, your spouse for who they really are, and your marriage for what it is. In that case, you’ll learn valuable lessons and appreciate what’s in front of you. Having expectations is okay, but don’t make them a millstone around your spouse’s neck. Communicate your expectations, get feedback, and work together intentionally — to make your marriage the bed of roses you know it can be.
4. Loss of autonomy
I’ll never get used to this. I’m a less-talking-more-doing type of person. I would think of something, then go forward and do it. If I see something beneficial that needs to be bought, I’ll get it. As a result, this can cause conflict, as your partner would like to be on the same page with you. They need to be aware of what is happening, mainly when it drastically affects the spending plan.
Decide when a discussion is required and when it is a “go and do” situation. Remember that most decisions need to be made collectively instead of individually. Your spouse and your marriage will thank you for it. If it is something that doesn’t come naturally, it’s something that you need to work on if you want to grow successfully as a team. When you share everything (even if you don’t agree on some things), that’s even better for the marriage, as each partner knows where the other stands on various issues. This brings me to my next point…
5. You are not gonna like each other all the time
Chiiiiile… in these moments, keep your cool, keep your mouth, and hold your peace (piece) until you can speak calmly and respectfully. Address problems without blaming, name-calling (that’s verbal abuse, btw), manipulating, etc. Simply state, “I didn’t like it when …. happened” or “I don’t like it when you did….” It made me feel ….” hear out the other person, do not try to justify your actions.
Additionally, you’ll need to activate humility, take some time to introspect, and respond accordingly, lovingly. Apologize sincerely at the moment, and address the issue further when you are in a better place. When it seems like too much, vent to Jesus first. Ask for direction, guidance, clear vision, and a level head. Consider speaking with a wise, trusted friend, counselor, or therapist. It helps to flesh out possible underlying issues that manifest in how you relate to your spouse.
6. Choose your battles!
Finally, some things are worth the energy, and others are not. Decide within yourself that you will not break a peaceful atmosphere over something that will not matter next week, next month, or even next year. Think about it before you mention it. Is it worth it?
Did I miss any points? Look out for more things they failed to mention in my next post. Share your experiences in the comment section below.
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Much love and light,
