Hey Lovely,
This post highlights some lighter moments (like when your partner ate all the household snacks). It presents heavier, more stress-inducing situations and how they can be resolved with your spouse. Be assured that if you are to tie the knot, you’ll be happy you got this inside information to open your eyes.
Let’s get started.
1. You Become Your Spouse’s Eyes and Ears.
“Babe, where’s my white shirt? I don’t see it anywhere!” In response, the spouse gets out of bed, goes to the same closet, opens the door, and takes the white shirt from directly where the closet was opened. “babe, where are my keys?”, “It’s right on the nightstand beside you.”
I could say more, but you’ve gotten the point.
2. Sleeping Times
One partner may only be able to sleep while cuddling, in pitch black, in an environment where you can hear a pin drop. If you’re an early sleeper and your spouse is a late sleeper or vice versa, this can cause red eyes and tension, as you would imagine. On the other hand, the other partner wants to be ‘more productive’ and get things done at night; do you see the picture I’m painting here? You’ll have to convey your preferences, make necessary compromises, and move right along with your sleeping arrangements.
What about if I’m an early riser and they are not? What time will we worship and meditate? Again, you’ll have to decide on this as a couple. If you’d rather do it before the hustle and bustle of the day, and your partner would rather have it in the evenings, you may come to a compromise. Perhaps you can do some days in the morning and others in the evening or do both. In whatever you do, make God’s time a priority in your family.
3. Entertainment Choices
Do you like to read? What about youtube? Netflix? Social media? Earphones or nah? What genres do you like? Drama, documentaries, action, horror, news, comedy, other? Imagine this situation brought together in a home. You want to relax and read to unwind while your partner is playing the news on TV.
From my observation, news tends to make people anxious and depressed, and some may rather have something more relaxing to make them go to sleep peacefully. This is something you need to be mindful of before going into marriage. Ask, “what do you do before bed?” see what you both come up with, and address it before you move to the same address.
4. Volume Levels
Do you watch your entertainment softly or loudly? What about your partner? Do you love the quiet, or would you? Do you see where I’m going with this? Yes, earpods can be used, but that’s only sometimes the case. How will you manage? You’ll know when you get there.
5. You’ll Need Boundaries
This starts with respect from both parties in the marriage. Do not be a doormat for your spouse. Remember that you will only agree on some things because you are two different individuals from different upbringings and family cultures. Have frequent discussions about expectations, be kind, and compromise where needed. Give the other individual the freedom to pursue their interest and do the things that make them happy.
Do not enable behaviors by making excuses. You can only take responsibility for your life. You are not responsible for the decisions your spouse makes. Encourage them to learn and to grow, but you cannot force them to be who you want them to be. Growing up in marriage is a lifelong process. Be patient with it, have a positive attitude, and eventually, you’ll grow individually and as a couple.
6. Differing Backgrounds
Do not let ANYONE tell you that this does not matter. Neither should you let them minimize the role that differing backgrounds play in creating conflict in marriage. Blending experiences need to be amplified when couples are being counseled. The culture of every family is different. This backdrop can create tension relating to roles, chores, and expected behaviors. For instance, if the woman grew up seeing he father take out the trash, sweep the yard and take care of the outward cleanliness of the home or be the one to lead the family to worship, it would be in her mind what has been normalized to her. Naturally, she would expect her husband to fit into that role.
Similarly, if a man watches his mom lead worship, cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, clean, wash, fold, take out the trash, etc., this would generally become normalized in his mind as the role of the woman and therefore would expect this of his wife. In the same way, if one partner has a modern/contemporary outlook and the other has a more conservative mindset, it can unearth some challenges. The two must find a balance so that they can come to appreciate and even enjoy their differences. Do you see where conflict and tension would begin to lay their foundation? How can this be solved? Simple! By talking it out. Communicate what is expected but whom and when should be done so that the field is leveled and you can play together as a team.
7. Time management
Personally, this has been the biggest struggle for us. It’s most challenging in the first year when both people’s schedules collide. We both had our separate activity schedules coming into the marriage, so joining them created a challenge. Most of our activities were happening simultaneously, so we had to decide what to keep, what to change, and what we would only do for a while once our routine had been regulated. Talking about time, I need to put this in here real quick. Are you an early bird? What about your partner? Many angry birds fight because one caught the worm, and the other thought it was okay to sleep a little more and relax a lot more.
It’s a real challenge, but don’t bite each other heads off, talk about it! Agree on what happens moving forward, and roll with it. What may work for others may not work for you. Make the marriage your own, and you will be much happier at the end of the day.
This has brought us to the end of this series. If you missed Part 1 and Part 2 of this post, please check them out so you can be aware of what else is beyond the veil of the wedding day.
If you have enjoyed this post and want to read more, sign up for my newsletter for my latest updates. Until then,
